My first post... It's a little scary, thinking that I will be posting some stuff that I would not normally share with just anyone, and here I am putting it out on the Internet where we know nothing ever dies, kinda like a Mc'D's French Fry.
Well, lets see.. I'm sitting here watching here watching The Oscars, pondering what could have been if I had taken many different roads thus far in my life. I don't know that I ever wanted to become an actress, but I always had a craving for some type of fame. Whether it be on the radio, news reporting ... something. I tried modeling when I was in my late teens early 20's, but I let my desire to cling onto what I thought was love at the time get in the way of that.
Love, that is something to talk about.. I met the person who would change my life's course in middle school 6th - 7th grade. We were never really friends , but we definitely knew each other, then into high school , I guess around the 10th grade is when we started seeing each other in the same circles.. There were cliques in HS when I was there just as much as there is today, and I had friends in everyone of them. I was pretty popular I guess.. He was a football player, I was a water girl..He played baseball, and I played softball.. he flirted , I flirted back.. It was a dangerous type of attraction for the mid 80's , he was black & I am white.. So he would catch flack from his friends, I would catch it from my friends, but we still managed to kind of stay together for a while.. It did get to be a tad bit too much, and we stopped seeing each other, but then out of nowhere I decided to call him, and tell him I wanted to be with him, he had started dating someone already, but somehow we ended up back together. And that was it for me, I "thought" I was in love.
I t seemed that the only guys in HS that only paid attention to me were black. The white guys were all friends of my brothers, and mine, never interested in dating. I was always the little sister, so I think that when I got the attention,the affection from someone else I soaked it up and ran away with it. To this day in my life I only dated 4 guys that were white.
Now, you maybe reading this and wondering what the hell is she rambling on about? I think this is an important route to take to try and figure out who I am today, and why I am the way that I am.. So we are gonna take some journeys that's for sure.. :)
That relationship was toxic for the both of us.. he left after graduation and went into the army, I believed that we were in love, and held onto the promises that he made me of marriage & a family. And at the same time, I was hiding this relationship for years because if my family knew I was dating & in love with a black man, well I had no idea what would happen. I feared the worst. But I was determined to be with him come hell or highwater. Looking back, I wonder if it was because I could not stand the idea of someone telling me I could not be with him, or was it real love? He was away for 2 years, and the calls & the visits to me became less frequent, so I came to the conclusion that he didn't want to be together anymore. Back then we didn't have the luxury of texting or email.. quick ways to get in touch with each other, so if you weren't by the phone waiting , you didn't get the call. OR if God forbid someone was on the phone and you got a busy signal! OMG! It was such a traumatic thing... But those little things did cause much drama in the life of a relationship back then.. Well, I dated other ppl, and kind of just floated around aimlessly......Then.... he came home . It began again, only to find out that he not only dated other ppl, he had a relationship with not 1 but a few other girls in different states, including where we came from.
I ended up back with him, breaking up with him, back with him again about 40 more times in ten years. I quit jobs , left friends, ignored family , because I wanted to be with him. Then , I became even more desperate, I had a child. Yes, i listened to so many of my so called friends at the time who told me that if we had a baby that HE would DEFINITELY choose me over all of the other girls that he cheated on me with. But, guess what, it didn't happen. The things that happen in between the years of making the final decision of walking away, well,he cheated I cheated, there was no one innocent anymore in this relationship , I can write my own little soap opera with the stories I have.. But I am not sure if I am ready to divulge all of that yet...After years of trying to make it work for the sake of this now innocent child I brought into the world, he failed to keep it in his pants and I finally gave up.
Sense had finally been knocked into my head.. I left and never looked back.. It hurt so deeply. But now I wonder if that was the hurt of a broken heart, or the hurt of knowing what I had done to my life . By this time I was 25, with no career a small child , no husband, and now the dilemma of what now?
I had focused so many years on this person, and the idea of being with him forever, and never focused on myself and what I wanted out of life, I literally had no idea what to do , let alone what I wanted to do.
Something I never should have done, I did. I got involved again with someone to fill the void of being alone. I took a job at a retail store, that's where I met him. He was a handsome guy, he said all the right things, treated me with respect and he was such a gentleman. I agreed to go out on a date, something I had never really done before. Boy he was charming, my first red flag should have been, "I'm going through a divorce". (Sigh) But alas, I took it hook , line & sinker.. It was a short lived romance, what was a "divorce" was really just an unhappy guy who left his wife from time to time, threatened her with divorce, but never went through with it. And I took that ride for about a year, I managed to walk away from that one with out my heart broken into a million pieces.. I think I was just a little bit wiser to some of the scams he tried to pull. But none the less, I still got taken for a fool.
I left the retail business, and ended up at an insurance company, again nothing to speak of, certainly not a career I had ever planned on, but it was a job. So to further that job, and hopefully try and make some more money, I ended up in a technical college to gain a little more knowledge on the subject, which ironically, I had to quit the job at the insurance company after a little while because they didn't want to accommodate my schedule so I could continue my education... ridiculous right?? It seemed that I needed something with flexible hours, so I went back to a profession I had done time & time again in the past.. waitressing..
Which led me to another guy, which is the last thing I wanted at the time. I couldn't bare to be in another relationship that would end up in me crying myself to sleep. I thought back to years before where a friend of mine had told me the best men to date were married men, because you don't get that emotional attachment that comes with a relationship.she said put your morals to the side. She had been with a married man for years, he helped her with her bills, he never told her what to do, she came and went as she pleased, and he always left at the end of a night. It sounded perfect to me.. Of course I know it's wrong, who wants to be the other woman? People don't really set out for that do they?
Well I am gonna walk away from this for the night..
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